Malek Allari | Editor-In-Chief
All I can feel is my heart racing. That was all. I wanted to do something about it, but nothing could be done. Calming my heart was never simple; in fact, it was the hardest thing I could do. My heart always felt like it was on fire. Whenever I felt love, anger, revenge, or happiness, my heart was always burning like an eternal flame. The flame was born from my suffering and pain. I lost everybody close to me. My family perished in front of me, my friends betrayed me, and even my enemies made peace. I was left, like a dead body in the society of the living.
My heart could not take it all. I try to live through the pain and suffering. Whenever I try to weaken the fire and put it to sleep, it is like I add gas to it. Am I making a mistake? Am I regretting something that I do not know about? Do I feel guilty about a crime I did not commit? Then, why? Why does my heart feel like it will become ash anytime? A memory burned itself into my mind. The memory of the day I committed my first crime. An unforgivable crime. A crime that even the Devil never thought of doing.
A tear streamed down my face, and I knew that my heart was bursting. “Tears are the heart’s wounds,” and I knew that my heart was not injured but on the verge of disappearing. Disappearing as if it never existed. I know that my pain and suffering are light to the people who suffered from my actions. I know why my friends left me. I know why my parents perished right before my eyes. I know my enemies made peace. I know why God had cursed my soul and set my heart on fire. Whenever I look in the mirror, I see a beast. My humanity left my body, and my soul betrayed my life. Even Death does not dare get near me. Not even Life is giving her blessing. The demons and angels are aware of my existence and hide in fear.
My heart keeps screaming at all the people around, seeking help and peace. My heart is begging for forgiveness. It feels heavy, as if gravity and its force are crushing it in my body. My heart is locked in its own cage, imprisoning itself. Is my body a victim to my heart’s actions? Or is it my heart that is the victim? How about my mind? My consciousness is not fading but rather strengthening with each painful burn and with each painful memory. I remember my family’s face as they turned to ash in front of my eyes. I remember my wicked thoughts. They were never about saving them, it was about how will they look like all burned up to chips. Madness. Madness. It is all madness. The world turned its back on me and left me to the criminal we call Madness. I am mad. I lost my mentality, and yet I have my memories and their pain.
My emotions are mixing up in my heart, and my heart is raging. My heart is trying to escape its jail, but fear is feeding its weakness. My raging heart screamed as it tried to break out, and my eyes burst out into tears. As I clenched my fist on my chest, my heart started racing. Racing and raging and screaming, my heart became a beast on its own. The beast that became a demon of demons. A beast that devours everything in its wake. I regret the day I was born. I regret the day I existed in such a suffering world. I regret the day that I abandoned my humanity to gain power. I regret the day I said that my soul blackened. I am guilty of killing my family, of killing the bonds of friendship, of killing the bonds of enemies. I regret the day I dreamed of Heaven when I knew Hell was waiting for me with its doors open wide.
Hell. My new home that shall set my heart ablaze. The home where my heart shall feel the sickness and wickedness of its weakness. The home where my soul shall burn anew. My heart and its weakness shall perish like my parents’ faces burned into my memory. I feel like I was cheated. I was created as a weak human. However, all humans are weak. The common weakness that all humans share is the heart. To obtain the strength to defeat the weakness, I shall devour the Devil. And after I devoured the Devil, I became the Devil himself. The Devil that reigns in Hell and has a raging heart on fire. A raging heart that has screams of doom.