Malek Allari | Editor-In-Chief
I was standing under the moon when I recalled a moment that I will never forget. A moment in which I truly believed that I had someone in my life, but they left like a spec of dust. A moment in which not God nor the Devil can take it away. Even in death, that will be my eternal dream. The moment, as brief as it ever was, lasted a lifetime. A lifetime of hope, happiness, and comfort; moreover, I felt alive. If I ever live to tell the story of my lover, I shall tell say it now. However, the story is nothing but a wish from a man who lived his life in the darkness, and once he found the light, he begged the darkness to take him back.
It was a breeze night, in which the mighty wind blew the cold air into our bodies. We were at the shore, my lover and I. As we listened to the waves and tides fiercely hitting the rocks, as the seagulls danced in the air at night, and as the moon showed its face upon Earth, my lover and I stood together in each others’ arms. Her hazel eyes shined with life, her golden brown hair fluttering with the wind, and her smile could light up the darkest place in my mind. I saw everything I wanted from this miserable life in her. I could see my salvation and peace, yet that only brought war to me. That night, she uttered the words that I could never forget, “I love you.” Words that could end wars and bring the world to peace. However, it was also the exact words that could bring war, leaving humanity on the brink of extinction.
I stood there, not knowing what to do. I wanted to tell her that I loved her back. I wanted to hold her tighter in my arms, fearing that she would disappear if I let her go. I can only remember the tears in my eyes as they stood there waiting for the order to march down my face. I was blessed to hear such words. Words that come from a mouth that produce melodies for sound and voice. I held back my tears, looked up at the stary night, and said, “I am truly happy now.” I knew in my heart that not a day would pass without these words singing in my ears. All I could ever do now is fantasize about that day and the future. However, it will all be fiction in the end.
My lover and I stayed under that moon for mere minutes before we went back into my car. All I could think of was the fact that she uttered the words I had waited for so long to hear. If there is ever a day in which I can go back to that day and just watch myself and my lover in each others’ arms from afar, I will do it. I will fight for that day, and hell, I will sell my soul to both God and the Devil for that day. I am ready to kill myself for that day again. I am ready to sacrifice anyone for that day. However, I have no power to do that.
The power to kill oneself only comes from the fact that the hate and regret had exceeded the human’s mental strength and could no longer hold it in. It is the power in which a human is no longer afraid of death, selfishness, and folly. It is only a fool’s game to believe that suicide is the answer to one’s problems. It is a fool’s game to believe that death only brings peace. It is only a fool’s game to believe in mere words that could change the equilibrium of the world. It is a fool’s game…to believe that they are wise and loved. I wanted to say this to my lover, yet I never had the chance to.
I had the chance to do it numerous times, and I chose not to address them. But I was a fool. A fool who believed that the world would work in a certain way. A fool that knew that a time would come when his heart would shatter into pieces. Pieces are made of glass so that they can never be fixed peacefully. The hands need to become bloodied to fix a shattered glass heart. Whether it is the blood of the owner or the blood of another does not matter. It will never matter. It is a matter of the ability of the glass heart to go back to the way it is or not. To keep that in mind, glass is never the same once it is broken. You have to rebuild the whole thing from scratch. From sand and water and fire and salts, that is how you can fix a glass heart. Once it is completed, the glass heart will not be the same as before. It embodies a whole new personality, life, and emotions. It is like a new baby with a new name and life. That is how people change. People change once their hearts shatter into many pieces, whether it is the result of love, hate, wildness, or even calmness.
My lover shattered my heart with love. That was the war she created with the words, “I love you.” I was never the same. I still wish to this day that day would never end. Because after that, day and night, it led me to take a path in life I was never ready for.
“Daddy?” I heard a voice behind me. I looked back, leaving the pen and paper. “Yes, sweety. I am here.” I walked over to my daughter as she was rubbing her eyes. I picked her up from the ground and kissed her on the cheek. “What is it, honey?” I asked. “I want some pizza. I am hungry,” she said. You are the split image of your mother, as well as personality, I thought to myself as I looked at my daughter. “Well, it is after midnight, everyone is closed for the night. You should go back to sleep.” “What are you doing?” she asked as she hugged my head. “Writing a story.” “About what?” “About love, honey. About the love that I once had and lost.” “I love you, daddy.” I was sure that I could feel the tears back. I took my daughter to the balcony and looked at the moon. She looked up at the moon, and I saw her eyes shine. Those hazel eyes cursed my memory. “I love you too, sweety,” I replied to my daughter. It was then that I realized that she was wearing my shirt and no pants. “You little rascal, you took my shirt again,” I said as I started tickling her. She laughed loudly and started running away from me after putting her on the ground. I started to run after her all over the house, and as she got tired, I could see that she was going to sleep any minute now.
I picked my daughter up and went to my bedroom. She hugged my neck harder as I put her on the bed, not letting me go. She turned around as I tried to remove myself from her clutches, and her hands softened. I walked back to my paper and pen and completed the story.
My lover gave me a daughter that I love so dearly that I will do anything for her wellbeing. The love of my daughter keeps me alive, and that makes me work so hard for her. I want to see her smile, laugh, and feel happy throughout her life. She was the one who fixed my shattered heart, and I saw how bloodied her hands became. She is my pride and love, and I would no longer be human if she was not there.
I put down my pen, not knowing what to write next. My mind feels blank, and nothing I think of is good here. My mind is getting poisoned by a disease that prevents good ideas and good blood flow into the brain. My mind is getting poisoned by the sadness and death of my wife. No matter how brave, strong, or lively I feel, something is missing inside me. My heart feels hollow yet filled with my daughter’s love. I wanna tell my daughter how much I love her, kiss her as much as I want, and hug her tightly soo that she does not fall into death’s gripping hands. Nothing feels right, and nothing feels wrong. It just feels like existence is something that naturally happens with no real reason for it.
I sat down on the balcony and looked at the moon. How shiny it is! The moonlight is nothing but a lie. A lie that is only reflected by the sun, the king of the universe. I looked down at my hands and gazed at my skin. My daughter woke up again, that rascal. “Daddy, what are you doing now?” she asked in her silky voice. The moonlight reflected off her hair, picturing her in my mind as the princess of love and beauty. “Nothing much, darling,” I replied, “Just sitting here on the balcony.” She climbed the chair and sat on my lap. As she put her head on my chest and closed her eyes, I enclosed my arms around her, feeling her warm breath on my shirt.
Nothing happens for no reason. However, not everything happens for a reason. We exist because we can, and we die because we can. The belief in life and death is nothing but fiction to us so that we can live our lives together until the end. If humans believed in no end, the world would fall under the fires of hell and chaos. Not even the grip of death is firm enough as the love of life. You know that as well as she does, I heard my wife whisper in my ear, pointing at our daughter.
I went to my knees and started crying.